The horror, the horror.....

The horror editorial will return. I promise. People still need to be educated in this regard, and believe me, I tend to put forth that education. Thank you for your patience (feigned or otherwise.)

In the meantime, since this is a "Fed-Up" Blog, let me re-iterate some random, out-of-left-field points that everyone should know:

1) American Idol is crap. Always has been, always will be.
2) The series finale of The Sopranos was brilliant. Was, is, and always will be.
3) Adam Sandler......eh, even I admit I've run that point into the ground.
4) If you liked the movie Dirty Dancing when you were younger, seek psychiatric help immediately. You have been scarred for life.
5) If you think the TV show I Love Lucy is funny, seek psychiatric help immediately. You have been scarred for life.
6) And finally, always remember to cover your ears and eyes when you hear or see the words "A Michael Bay Film" in a movie trailer. Chances are you will need to seek psychiatric help immediately, or you will be scarred for life.

FUMOR's Horror Editorial will return soon.

Bloody misunderstood.

I will be starting a short (probably 5-part) editorial about the horror film, in an attempt to decipher one of the most misunderstood genres of film.

The Horror Editorial (Part 1):

Perhaps one of the funniest things about the history of cinema is the long road of the horror film. Even after almost 100 years, the particular genre of blood and gore is still particularly disregarded by many audiences as far as substance and writing. People just go to see horror films because they want a good scare, and then the movie becomes a toss-away piece of celluloid.

In today's age, horror films have really become worse and worse in terms of true substance. (How many SAWs are we going to have?) As a die-hard horror fan myself, I keep making sure that every time I go into the multiplex to watch a horror movie, I make sure that I watch it in a different way than I would watch other movies.

Consider the following points:

1) Real horror fans, I believe, see horror movies for the effects and the gore.

Once you have seen as many horror films as myself or my friends have, the scare factor has pretty much become non-existent.

2) You don't go into a horror film really expecting ANYTHING fantastic.

Let's be honest...75% of horror films today aren't gunning for an Academy Award nomination. They just want to scare the audience, please the fans, make their money, and then move on to the next sequel.

3) Acting is pretty much non-existent in most horror films.

Come on, for those of us who grew up in the 80's particularly, were we REALLY expecting great dramatic turns by any actor or actress in the Friday The 13th or Nightmare On Elm Street series?

4) It's all about the gore.

Real horror fans want the blood. And the guts. And the occasional severed body part.

*Footnote: It is painfully obvious that the SAW series and other films of its kind try to emulate the above points, but as an exception, if the movie really IS painfully ridiculous on all counts, then it does make it very difficult to appreciate the movie as a welcome addition to the horror canon. (SAW had a fantastic premise, and did absolutely nothing with it. There were no redeeming qualities in the film at all.)

Certian aspects of the horror movie really should be taken into account before seeing it. It's what makes the movie all the more enjoyable. It's like what I usually do when I hear about the latest Adam Sandler movie, I take into account the following elements: I realize it will not be funny, I do not see it, I realize it will not be funny, I do not see it, and above all else, I realize it will not be funny, and I do not see it.


End of Part 1

"There's such a thing as EVIL."

So, if you haven't heard, Mister Oliver Stone has his newest propaganda bullshit movie "W." being released into theaters this fall, (you can watch the trailer for it here), and while politics scare the ever-livin' hell out of me, I have always admired Oliver Stone as a filmmaker. He is one of my favorite directors who isn't afraid to just do what he wants to do, and pretty gives the "F-you" to anyone who says otherwise. Yes, JFK was overdone, yes, Natural Born Killers was over-the-top, and yes, Nixon was a portrait of a man on the edge of insanity who was drinking his life away. All of these films have put Stone in the controversial hotseat, and while I cannot say that any of his films are based on 100% fact,(because they are not), people tend to forget that Stone is a FILMMAKER. He doesn't speak the truth, and he never will. He makes movies. And the movies he makes aren't real. They are images on a screen, pure fantasy. It's important to understand what a powerful medium film is, whether it be popcorn-entertainment or controversial stirs.

Case in point, I deliver to you probably what I think is the best scene that Oliver Stone has ever filmed. It's from Nixon, and sadly was deleted from the theatrical version of the movie, but was thankfully reinstated into the director's cut. Here Richard Nixon (in a wonderfully over-the-top performance by the great Anthony Hopkins), meets with the head of the CIA Richard Helms (Sam Waterston). What ensues in their discussion is predominantly a scary, foreshadowing scene of cryptic politics and creepy visuals and ideas.



This represents everything that Oliver Stone can be as a filmmaker: ridiculous and at the same time creative, awe-struck with creating something out of nothing, and a representation in the evils of power in government and the dangerous perils it can lure itself into.

Also, the scene contains also some of the best music ever composed by my favorite composer, John Williams. The music is so creepy that it really doesn't sound like a John Williams piece at all. It fits the scene so well.

*Note: It must be said that Anthony Hopkins looks absolutely NOTHING like Richard Nixon, but that is the point. He is just an actor channeling another person, which pretty much sums up the whole point of the movie: Nixon was a President that was one-of-a-kind that can't really be represented or characterized by anyone else.

Things That Have Made Me Sick, Tired, and at the most.....Fed-up.

1) I'm tired of hearing that Seinfeld is the greatest sitcom ever. It's not.

2) I'm fed-up with the fact that people still think that Adam Sandler is funny.

3) I really want to put out a hit on George Lucas, because the greedy bastard just can't ever seem to get enough money from the fanboys, so he always has some surprise marketing gimmick up his plaid-shirted sleeve to drain more and more Star Wars fans dry of all their hard-earned money they got from selling their limited edition action figures on eBay.

4) Julia Roberts is Jar-Jar Binks. Why doesn't anybody SEE that except me?




5) I would like to kill the person who killed TBS. What with their "Very Funny" ad campaign that's been going on for 5 years straight now (And guess what? It's STILL not funny!) and we've been treated to 7,422 showings of What Women Want, Fools Rush In, and Miss Congeniality. Remember the good ol' days when there would be Sunday afternoon showings of classic Hitchcock films and daily doses of The Andy Griffith Show? Sad times.

6) It pisses me off when I realize what a fool I was when I was younger and thinking that The Dukes Of Hazzard was the greatest show on television. Note: I've seen re-runs on CMT and I just know somebody must've slipped SOMETHING into my Cream of Wheat.

7) Michael Bay is Satan. Satan is Michael Bay. And Hayden Christensen is his court jester.

8) Gus Van Sant will never fully receive my forgiveness for totally destroying the story of Norman Bates. Psycho was a movie that was always supposed to be left alone, not re-done with subliminal clips of S&M women, beetles, and Rob Zombie:



9) And while we're on the subject of Vince Vaughn, Swingers was not all that. Hey, VINCE! You can only say "You're so MONEY!" so many times before it starts to get ridiculously annoying! For me, it was the first time you said it.

10) And finally, can we just kill Roland Emmerich? Huh? Please? Never have I seen a director who thinks he's making big-budget popcorn-entertainment and fails so miserably at it.

Consider:








That is all. More rants to follow.

Knighty-knight.

Ridiculous, too long, over-the-top, loud, boring, poorly executed, tiresome, campy, and awful.

None of the above words would be used to describe THE BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR. This is, probably, without a doubt, THE BEST movie based on a comic book character EVER. (And I’m sorry, but I’m sure people were thinking before this that Iron Man was one of the best ever, and I didn’t like that movie at all.)

And yes, I will have to say it:

(cringe)

Heath Ledger is amazing. His performance deserves an Oscar nomination or at least recognition despite his unfortunate death. What he does with The Joker is nothing short of miraculous. With a tip of his hat to Malcolm McDowell’s Alex from A Clockwork Orange, Ledger creates evil personified as nothing we have ever seen before on-screen.

Forget Jack Nicholson, THIS IS THE JOKER we all want to see. (And yes, up until this point, I thought that Ledger was a horrible actor.)

The cast is excellent. Christian Bale paints a

more arrogant Bruce Wayne, Gary Oldman is the perfect Commissioner Gordon, screen vets Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman show why they're both pros at this game, and Aaron Eckhart's Harvey "Two-Face" Dent is such a far cry from what Tommy Lee Jones did with the character (an awful over-the-top-portryal), that you almost want to reach into the screen and shake his hand.

And Maggie Gyllenhaal? Hot.

Amazingly, the film also stands alone as a pulp-crime saga, tapping into the elements of film-noir with a superb cutting edge that actually reminded me of older classics such as John Huston’s The Maltese Falcon and The Asphalt Jungle, Orson Welles’ Touch Of Evil, and even Sidney Lumet’s Dog Day Afternoon.

After seeing this film, it makes me more than ever want to put a hit out on Joel Schumacher, the director who almost single-handedly destroyed the franchise with Batman Forever and Batman And Robin. I hope he watches this movie and learns a good lesson……. just because you add green neon colored lights and fey costumes into a superhero movie, that doesn’t necessarily make it good.

For those of you who don’t remember, (I’ve tried to forget), observe the following piece of garbage as evidence:

I can only assume that Warner Brothers was high on crack that day when they greenlit, (argh, another green neon light reference!) this project.

Just forget all remnants of Schumacher's fallacies.

See THE DARK KNIGHT.

Then see it again.

And again.

And again....

And again......

God Bless Christopher Nolan. We all owe him a debt of gratitude. (Sorry, Tim Burton, but it's the truth.)

The end.

Grade: A+

"Flip-flops? It was August!"

Not a movie review exists in this post. I just want to take the opportunity to show appreciation for one of the best shows on television, Rescue Me.

Created by one of my heroes, Denis Leary (listen to his stand-up, pronto), Rescue Me is a show that somehow manages to create a perfect balance between unbridled hilarity and stinging drama.

Rescue Me won't return for a new season until March 2009 (insert expletive here), but in the meantime, FX is quenching people's RM thirst with 10 "mini-sodes" of the series.

It pains me to even think that while garbage like The Bill Engvall Show, Desperate Housewives, According To Jim, and even Sex And The City (sorry folks, don't hit me!) stay on the air, something as well written as the following video fails to get the recognition it deserves.

Even at 5 minutes and 10 seconds, this minisode manages to pack in so much humor that doesn't even exist in most of the TV shows today.

Watch and learn. Watch and enjoy. Watch and laugh.



*Edit: At a fellow reader's request for some eye candy, I have added this:



This is the lovely Andrea Roth, and she plays Leary's ex-wife on the show. Yum.

FUMOR's Little Fed-Up Movie Glossary #6: The White Woo Dove.

I have nothing against John Woo. He's not a bad director, he's just not my favorite. I just don't understand why he must insert shots of white doves flying in slow motion in every one of his films.

It's a very annoying trademark that I don't understand.

Thusly:

The White Woo Dove - (n.) any bird of blank color inserted into an action shot in a John Woo film to make the shot more _______________, (I have no idea, I can't finish the sentence.)

Ever present in:

The Killer
Hard Target
Mission: Impossible 2

I just don't get it.